(whatever life throws at you)
HOW WE ARRIVED HERE
Nine years ago I was engaged to a man I loved, I had a great life, a job I enjoyed and I was joyfully pregnant with our first baby. Within the space of six months all that had changed and my comfortable safe world had exploded. My fiance left without any real explanation or closure and shortly afterwards our son was born seriously ill with a permanent neurological condition that can be fatal, often results in life limiting mental and physical disabilities, and required immediate brain surgery.
I started motherhood in pieces, broken and feeling hopeless because I didn't see how it could get better. I had no idea where to go, what to do or who I even was anymore. I'd been part of a couple and invested so much in a shared future, a family together, that to lose it so suddenly meant I didn't just lose my dreams, I also lost my sense of identity and I felt completely adrift. The one thing I did know was this wasn't the life I had planned and it wasn't the life I wanted.
It took me a while to realise that I was right this wasn’t good enough for me or for my son. We deserved so much better but that the only person who could change things was me. The following nine years included the lowest periods of my life but they have also brought immense joy, self-awareness, confidence and my proudest moments. We have had several more hospital stints, surgeries, an autism diagnosis, ADHD assessments, house moves and school changes. I’ve had some terrible dates, some funny dates and a few (mostly dysfunctional/doomed) romantic relationships. I’ve built a career, been promoted, undertaken job roles that quite frankly terrified me they were so far out of my comfort zone and finally I’ve reached a level of independent financial security. And, importantly, I've also spent time with my amazing family and friends, met some new confidantes, been on holiday, taught myself to crochet and knit, learned to grow veggies, improved our diet, got fitter and started a blog! (These last points would come bottom of the list for many mums but one of the lessons I have learnt is making time for things that give you enjoyment is not just ok it is essential!)
These days I am in a really good place. I have down days like anyone but mostly my life is pretty great. It has been a rollercoaster getting here but I can honestly say I don’t think I would ever have been as strong, confident, compassionate and happy as I am now if life hadn’t all ‘gone wrong’ nine years ago.
The truth is…
….the last nine years have taught me there is no substitute for thinking, reflecting and making decisions yourself. No one can do it for you as well as you can for yourself. So the reason I like to write is it helps me think and reflect and at the same time offers some musings for you to ponder on. The emotional and thought processes I went through to try to get myself out of a dark place and improve things for myself and my family. The right decisions probably won’t be the same for you as it was for me. But I hope you’ll be able to find comfort and confidence from the fact you aren't alone. Maybe some of the ideas, thought processes and people that I found inspiring and supportive will help you find your own way forward too.
Why ‘Fall on your ‘Feet’?
An unapologetically cheesy name but one which perfectly explains the emotions behind the blog. A family member (I won’t point fingers!) said to me during an argument several years ago ‘You always fall on your feet. Not everyone is as lucky as you’. That sentence has stayed with me ever since. I’ll list a few of the major events/issues in my life in the few years leading up to that comment and perhaps you’ll understand why it struck me as such a strange thing to say:
my fiancé left whilst I was pregnant
my son was born with hydrocephalus and needed brain surgery
I had constant money worries, exacerbated by no child maintenance
my son had very challenging behaviours and sleep issues
seemingly endless problems with childcare and then school
I was at the beginning of the long road to an autism diagnosis
This isn’t the check list of a 'lucky' person, but he was right I did seem to always end up in a good place. But what he saw as luck was actually the end result of me consciously and consistently taking action to change my life. Yes, I was fortunate to have a loving family around me but that alone isn't enough to change things. It wasn't easy and it definitely wasn't a quick fix but I took decisions over and over to make sure I ‘fell on my feet’. These weren’t accidents or the result of chance. I just refused to give up and believe this was it. This was all I could expect from life. Ironically it was their accusation that really made me aware of how hard some people find it to notice and accept that we can all make choices that will change our lives. It was this realisation that first made me start thinking about writing a blog. Three years of consideration later and I have finally made the time to do it! So it seemed only fitting to name it Fall on your Feet’.
Names and people
Most people in this blog will have had their names changed to protect their privacy. Katie is my middle name and one I'm called regularly by family but my son is not called Rex. At four he wanted to renamed T-Rex and five years later there is apparently someone called Rex in Star Wars (some minor storm trooper he tells me) so he's dropped the T but is still adamant on wanting the name change. He was, therefore, delighted to get the chance to be Rex 'for real' on here!