'Life is only as good as your childcare' is the hard lesson I have learnt since becoming a mother. Childcare is the nemesis of every working parent (single or not) and finding the right childcare can be a daunting for anyone. It's especially so if your child has additional medical or behavioural needs and even more so again if you’re a single parent as you probably have less back-up if things go wrong. These worries are on top of the practical considerations of opening hours, location and cost…
Childcare has had me in tears more times than anything else in the last nine years including my son’s medical conditions. It has genuinely been one of the most stressful aspects of my life. I wanted my son to be healthy, happy and nurtured. I could provide that environment myself of course, and for the first four years I did work part time so that I could be with him more. But I also wanted to be able to afford a good quality of life for us both; I wanted him to have the opportunities and experiences I had as a child and not to have any real or perceived boundaries or disadvantage from being in a single parent family. I wanted him to be proud of me and my accomplishments, to grow up valuing hard work, ambition and strong women. Also, importantly, I find self-confidence, value and fulfillment in my work. Its about more than just making money so I simply won’t give it up completely. Therefore, finding some other way of providing that nurturing caring environment whilst I was at work was vital.
To give some context to my childcare search from toddlerhood until six years old Rex bit, hit and was extremely hard to discipline. What was most frustrating was he was articulate, bright and could be very charming so there was no obvious reason why he couldn’t/wouldn’t behave in age appropriate ways. I hadn’t met anyone autistic at that point (in hindsight I definitely had but they either hadn’t mentioned it and/or didn’t have a diagnosis) and my ignorance about it feels pretty shocking to me now. There were so many obvious red flags that I just didn’t recognise or understand. My lack of awareness was (and I think largely still is) shared by lots of professionals working with young children. Only two adults from Rex’s childcare providers and his first school ever raised concerns that his behaviour was anything other than ‘being naughty’ and no one mentioned Autism at all (no one except me when he was five and I began doing my own research). All they saw was a Jekyll and Hyde child that was sometimes funny and charming and at other sometimes extremely challenging and aggressive.
It was a complicated situation and unsurprisingly I have tried a variety of different childcare solutions over the years. Below is a run through of the options I have used/considered. Obviously every choice will depend on the child, the childcare providers, family situation and the practicalities so there is no ‘right’ answer. I hope the experiences and thoughts below will still provide some food for thought though and I'd like to hear if your experiences differ (especially if you have an autistic child too)...
Nursery
Rex attended nursery two days a week from when he was ten months old, increasing over time to four days when he was three years old. There were lots of issues at nursery but despite that, and with the benefit of hindsight, I think it was the best choice at that age. Rex could be challenging and having several members of staff meant they were able to take turns working with him. This meant no-one got completely frustrated and impatient with him. Over time it became clear that some staff were much better at managing his behaviour than others. One lovely lady in particular Sonike (Zonka as Rex used to call her) was great with him and he was visibly more relaxed when he was around her. She was able to explain her techniques to the others so over time they all became better at handling him. Having multiple staff also meant that the manager was able to take time to give me a more detailed debrief at the end of each day, including a short written summary that I diligently filed away (more because I was a hoarder of all things child related than because I thought they might be useful in future). Nursery also started to log incidents and look for trigger points and effective preventative measures, This information needed to be shared across various shift staff so it was all written down and when Rex left their care I was given the book to keep.
This book was part of a portfolio of evidence provided during Rex's autism assessment several years later. It demonstrated that he consistently been struggling from a very young age with transitions of any sort (arriving/leaving nursery, moving from inside to outside, changing activities etc), had social communication challenges (he needed a lot more support to take part in group activities and was frequently physically aggressive) and was both sensory seeking (everything went in his mouth) and sensory avoidant (ran from loud or unexpected noises, strong smells). Back then of course I didn’t use this terminology and neither did nursery. I didn’t know to step back and look at the patterns and the bigger picture. Even if I had I doubt I would ever have made the connection to Autism Spectrum Disorder. My only excuse for this was I had no experience of autism, probably inconceivable to most people now but I couldn’t get the internet at my rural cottage and had an old phone with no internet so the only place I could have googled the topic was at work where I was….well working. I had no access to the internet in the evenings when I may have had the time and inclination to start asking questioning and looking for answers. On the positive flip side Rex was generally happy at nursery and he progressed steadily in many areas of development.
Nanny
Yeah right! Alas my single salary didn’t stretch to having a qualified nanny. It certainly didn’t when I set out to start my career and I don’t even think it would even now. I did, however, look into nanny shares several times when Rex was around 4 but the logistics of sharing in the countryside just didn’t work. It’s worth doing some research though if you like the idea of a nanny. If you live in an urban area you could save a lot of money on top quality childcare by sharing with another family close to you. Look on local mumsnet and facebook mum groups or try posting asking if anyone is interested. If my circumstances had been different I think this is the route I ideally would have gone down after he left nursery.
Childminder
Personally I have never liked the idea of a childminder before Rex could speak well and was old enough to reliably tell me about his day. Knowing already he was a bit trickier than most young children to handle I wasn’t convinced that one person could cope with him and several other children by themselves. So I never even explored the option of childminders when he was young. I did when he was three and a half years old though. By this point he was extremely articulate (well above his age group) and I was confident, correctly, he would tell me every detail of his day so I could know about any incidents and how they were handled. I was very grateful I had gone with my instinct when the first childminder we tried was really poor and I pulled him out after only two weeks. I wasn’t at all happy with her behaviour and I am extremely glad Rex was old enough to tell me what was happening. For four days they didnt leave the house and for two days running they watched three films in a row, he heard her arguing with someone on the phone and repeated a swear word he had heard her use. He was given toast every day for lunch and three days for dinner the second week. The final straw was when he told me she had gone around to the neighbours and left him and another child in the house alone. When confronted she said it had been just to get some milk but given all the other issues I decided enough was enough. Perhaps she was having a personal crisis but regardless I didn’t want her looking after Rex.
The second childminder (and only other one living locally) was much better and I think for the average family was probably a great childcare solution. I found her much less forthcoming with details than nursery had been though and again I was glad that Rex would tell me what they had been doing and what he had eaten etc. Rex was initially with the childminder for four full days a week but later when he started school he went five days a week for half an hour in the mornings and two and a half hours after school. It had been ok initially, not a resounding success but it worked...until he started school and then the situation rapidly deteriorated. In hindsight this was almost certainly because of all the transition and sensory issues of being in a new and busier environment. Unfortunately at the same time the childminder also started looking after more children increasing her number to the legal maximum and her own now came home instead of going to the after school club at the local senior school. All these things collided to create lots of change at the same time both for Rex and for her and the result wasn't good. She ended up calling me at work in tears on several occasions. Occasionally Rex was aggressive but mostly the issues were around him refusing to do what he was told. Simple things like refusing to get in the car, put his shoes on or come out from behind the sofa. He wouldn’t engage with activities the rest were doing and he would become increasingly confrontational and stubborn towards the late afternoon (as he became very tired and overwhelmed). Rex was with her for just under a year. I had started my first full time ‘punchy’ career job in a male dominated environment so had little flexibility with my hours, instead my parents were increasingly offering to collect him early to help her out. After a particularly bad week they offered to have him two afternoons a week to give her a ‘break’ (although she would still be being paid). At this point I realised I had to find an alternative childcare set up. My parents had their own lives to lead and they weren’t even that local meaning they were driving almost two hours to help out. I knew something had to change but I seemed to have exhausted all the childcare options locally.
Aupairs
There were no other childminders in the area, I couldn’t afford a nanny and as it was a very small village primary school there was no after school club option so I had to start thinking outside the box. I had heard two colleagues mention having aupairs but I knew their wives didn’t work so at the time I had disregarded aupairs as I thought they were a ‘helping hand’ not someone who could provide actual childcare. I had also assumed they were something rich people had, certainly not single mums living in rented ex-council houses!
Having moved house from extremely rural to just somewhat rural in order to take this new job I now had the internet though (thank heavens) and was able to research aupairs. I quickly realised this could be the perfect, if initially extreme sounding, solution. Once I’d come to terms with living with another adult (in hindsight that is laughable as few of them act like adults. I should have prepared myself to live with a teenager) the idea really began to appeal. I am writing a series of posts on aupairs so I won’t go into the details here but I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say it was a life changing decision. It came with a whole myriad of dramas and hassle from having to move house to accommodate one aupair (yep - true story) to explaining to another’s embassy on the phone that they couldn’t continue the conversation about their lost passport right now because they are so hungover they were throwing up in the toilet (yep true again - fun times). Aupairs also aren’t registered childcare providers so you can’t use childcare vouchers nor claim any financial help from government towards their cost. However these issues were far outweighed by the fact they genuinely cared and nurtured my son, in most instances they became like a big sister to him, we all grew to care about each other and we created friendships, some of our old aupairs I am still in touch with regularly years later. They enabled me to build a successful career knowing my son was happy and safe in our home. As a bonus I also got to go out and socialise again; I saw my friends and I started dating. They gave me freedom in several senses and it changed everything. We moved to London four years ago shortly after getting our first aupair and have continued to use this method of childcare ever since until this year.
After school club
Rex is now in a large London school where an after school club is offered. I have not had an aupair for most of the last year now (thank you Brexit for making finding them harder) so I have been working flexibly, using the school play club on an adhoc basis and calling in favours with friends and family etc to cover after school care. It definitely isn’t sustainable this way and my assumption was I would look for another aupair for September until school threw a curve ball. The play club at the school has always been run by a private company and it was ok but I wasn’t completely convinced with the special needs awareness and Rex got into quite a lot of trouble there on the occasions he did go. He was safe there but he wasn’t being supported by staff experienced in dealing with autistic children hence I only used it occasionally. Then earlier this summer the school announced it would be taking over the play club and using school staff to run it. They made a commitment to it being inclusive and suitable for all their pupils and as there is an autism base within the school this means the autistic children there will receive the right level and type of support. This really made me take notice and reconsider my childcare options.
A new approach for 2019
So from September 2019 Rex will be attending the school’s wrap around care provision. I have no idea how that will go… No doubt it'll bring new revelations and dramas that I’ll be writing about that at some point in the future but for now keep your fingers crossed for us please!
What do you do?
How do you manage childcare for your autistic child/ren? A local council official told me last year that they want to encourage more SEN parents back into work (disproportionately high levels are out of work long term). In my mind childcare is the biggest barrier followed closely by flexible employers who accommodate medical/school appointments. What do you think? What are the key challenges you face balancing work and care responsibilities? Send me a message, I'd love to hear your views.
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